Fuck You, Marissa

Marissa Cooper.  Where do I begin.

Let’s start with TJ.  You know, where you ODed season 1 and passed out in a Mexican alley?  What the fuck, are you that desparate for attention?  Sheesh.

Or how about that creep Oliver, the stalker you invited into your circle of friends.  Oh you two met in therapy?  That’s so nice…not.

Also, you fucking shot someone!   Your boyfriends brother!  So he tried to rape you, ever think you maybe attracted it?  That’s what he thinks.  And he’s hot.

You just went from alcoholic, to lesbian, to whore, to dead, and you were so fucking awful the whole way through.

I don’t care that your mom’s crazy, or your dad’s an idiot, you are the absolute worst and you know it.

I may hate you more than anyone else.

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Fuck You, Jim and Pam

You two are monsters.

For years I waited, years for the romance to blossom.  To florish.  How wrong I was. How wrong we all were.

Between Pam’s newfound self-confidence and Jim’s stalking-turned-marriage, you both have turned into complete assholes.   Suddenly you’re too good for Dunder-Mifflin and its colorful cast of characters.

Jim, you’re a pussy, you’re living in your parents old house, and you’re married to someone who didn’t want you for YEARS.

Pam, you’re still mousey and even less likeable than before, which is simply insane.  And you piss me the fuck off whenever you do any interviews.

You two motherfuckers deserve each other.  Enjoy your completely boring, meaningless lives and your baby that you, more than likely, are just making up for attention.

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Fuck You, Vinny

So MTV was looking for a “normal” guy to balance out the trashy, imeanentertaining cast members.  And that’s where you came in Vinny.

You and your pale skin, your Urban Outfitters graphic tees, your less-toned body, your glasses, your superiority complex after attending Community college, your everything.  You just think you’re soooo damn special, don’t you Vin.  Well hear this:

You.  Are.  Boring.  And a prick.

You consider yourself above the GTL, but this season, who was GTL-ing harder than anybody?  You’re a fucking hypocrite and you know it.  You think you’re so above the Snookis and the The Situations of the world, but you aren’t.  Because you’re a misogynistic, boring, stupid asshole who’s a fucking follower and a douchebag.

So wear your fucking pink tee, talk shit, and pray to God MTV’s fucked up enough on PCP and is too hysterical to notice you’re still around.  Pray hard.

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Fuck You, Sammi

You are a disgrace to all women. Not only are you a complete moron, but you’re delusional. You have no respect for yourself. You are so pathetic that you can’t handle life without the man you “love.”

Why did you even still love Ronnie? How is that possible? I understand if you still have feelings for him, but after the way he treated you…..? C’mon. You knew he was being shady. Each day was a different feeling from him. How do you not say enough is enough? Oh. That’s right. You’re a pussy.

You have no spine or independence. And don’t for one second think that you got the upper hand with JWow or that you could take her again. The boys were holding her back! If it were just the two of you, JWow would destroy you. That girl is tough and you’re a little bitch who can’t recognize when her friends are in a difficult position and are trying to do what they think is best.

Man up, Sammi. Stop acting like a twit and a twat and speak with a normal big girl non-lispy voice.

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Fuck You, Daria

Maybe not everyone in the world is a total douche bag, Daria.  Maybe not everyone is stupid.  Maybe not everyone is just a joke to be laughed at.  Maybe, just maybe, it’s you who sucks.  Look around you, Daria.  Kevin plays football.  Brittney cheerleads.  Quinn does fashion.  Even Jane, who (thank God) is at least one person who can stand the grating sound of your voice, paints.  What do you do?  You criticize, you demean, and you watch the same crappy TV show all day.  I know you think you’re the underdog, and view everyone else as some kind of oppressive societal force, but you’re not and they’re not.  You’re a bully.  You’re mean spirited and miserable.  The rest of us?  We’re just living our lives, so back off.

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Fuck You, Lauren

You write.  You design.  You star.

You also chastise.  Intimidate.  Reprimand. And set COMPLETELY UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS FOR YOUR FRIENDS THAT ALWAYS END WITH YOU SCREAMING AT THEM FOR NOT BEING AS OBSESSED WITH YOU AS YOU WANT THEM TO BE.

Sure, Spencer’s a complete and absolute douchebag.  But when you make Heidi choose, and you’re acting like a flippant, awful, psycho, immature bitch about Heidi’s absence at Taco Tuesday (…), who wouldn’t pick Spencer over you?

Oh, and Jen Bunney.  God.  She hooks up with a flirting, single Brody, on her birthday, and you seriously accuse her of being evil?  Because he was the first guy you actually thought about liking after Jason but ultimately decided you didn’t want a relationship or some other fucking rambling mess you have the gaul to call “language”?  And she didn’t even think about you during?  No shit!

Your hair looks like dirty, crap-ridden hay half the time, you’re boring, incompetent, the epitome of self-involved, and a complete idiot.

I hope you fuck Stephen, contract Kristin’s AIDS, and die alone in a plaid headband you stupid piece of shit.

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Fuck You, Ryan Wolfe

Honestly, who do you think you are? You only became part of Horatio Cain’s CSI team because Speed was killed — my guess is so the actor could play the dreaded Burger on Sex and the City — due to his careless and nonexistent gun maintenance (something that never would have happened if he had learned from his previous mistake) and because of your OCD. Speaking of your OCD, do you EVEN HAVE IT? I mean, you say you do, but in all other episodes besides that one I do not see any crazy habits or ticks or rituals or scrutiny of the littlest detail. You are not Michael J. Fox on Scrubs and you are not the creepy people on the MTV True Life episode or the A&E show Obsessed. Where’s the OCD Wolfe?? Hmmm?? Oh and what the hell do people call you? Officer Wolfe? Mr. Wolfe? Wolfe? Ryan? You have too many freakin names! Why does only Horatio call you Mr. Wolfe? That’s weird. And sounds totally pervy. Were you in Reservoir Dogs and I didn’t get the memo?

When you joined the Miami-Dade CSI team Ryan Wolfe, you were fresh-faced and ready to learn. You didn’t let the fact that people didn’t want you around bother you. You were safe under Horatio’s wing. Now that it’s been a couple of years (and a couple of pounds, you fatty) you are starting to act like a real dickhead. I like the new ME Tom. He’s witty and quirky and endearing. You, however, are just an ass. Your jokes aren’t funny and your sarcasm is not appreciated. Stop trying to be humorous. And stop trying to get back into Horatio’s good graces. You will never be under his wing again because you suck and your personality sucks and you got fat and you’re rude. Eric and the recently deceased Jesse (RIP) are/were Horatio’s top guys. And I bet Walter will take over Jesse’s place because Walter is sweet. His sarcasm is funny — not mean — and he doesn’t act like he’s all that and a bag of chips. Horatio doesn’t need you. Nobody needs you. You, however, need an attitude adjustment and a diet plan.

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