Fuck You, Ryan Wolfe

Honestly, who do you think you are? You only became part of Horatio Cain’s CSI team because Speed was killed — my guess is so the actor could play the dreaded Burger on Sex and the City — due to his careless and nonexistent gun maintenance (something that never would have happened if he had learned from his previous mistake) and because of your OCD. Speaking of your OCD, do you EVEN HAVE IT? I mean, you say you do, but in all other episodes besides that one I do not see any crazy habits or ticks or rituals or scrutiny of the littlest detail. You are not Michael J. Fox on Scrubs and you are not the creepy people on the MTV True Life episode or the A&E show Obsessed. Where’s the OCD Wolfe?? Hmmm?? Oh and what the hell do people call you? Officer Wolfe? Mr. Wolfe? Wolfe? Ryan? You have too many freakin names! Why does only Horatio call you Mr. Wolfe? That’s weird. And sounds totally pervy. Were you in Reservoir Dogs and I didn’t get the memo?

When you joined the Miami-Dade CSI team Ryan Wolfe, you were fresh-faced and ready to learn. You didn’t let the fact that people didn’t want you around bother you. You were safe under Horatio’s wing. Now that it’s been a couple of years (and a couple of pounds, you fatty) you are starting to act like a real dickhead. I like the new ME Tom. He’s witty and quirky and endearing. You, however, are just an ass. Your jokes aren’t funny and your sarcasm is not appreciated. Stop trying to be humorous. And stop trying to get back into Horatio’s good graces. You will never be under his wing again because you suck and your personality sucks and you got fat and you’re rude. Eric and the recently deceased Jesse (RIP) are/were Horatio’s top guys. And I bet Walter will take over Jesse’s place because Walter is sweet. His sarcasm is funny — not mean — and he doesn’t act like he’s all that and a bag of chips. Horatio doesn’t need you. Nobody needs you. You, however, need an attitude adjustment and a diet plan.

Content by Delightfully Contradictory

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One Response to Fuck You, Ryan Wolfe

  1. Pingback: Fuck you Ryan Wolfe part deux « Delightfully Contradictory

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